This document is to promote
healthy communication between members of the Sangha. There is a separate Grievance Policy for
addressing alleged ethical violations, available through the office at Clouds in
Water Zen Center
The model for communication at Clouds in Water Zen Center is grounded in the practice of great wisdom and compassion. In the case of communication during times of conflict, this requires mutual understanding, forgiveness, problem solving, and learning from the situation in order to be more effective in the future.
Clouds in Water Zen Center is committed to sustaining a healthy spiritual community, where diversity of opinion is respected, the dignity and integrity of community members is protected, conflicts are addressed appropriately and respectfully, and ongoing learning about personal relationships is encouraged.
Given the human condition, conflict or emotional hurts are unavoidable within a Sangha. It is impossible to avoid the collision of individual viewpoints and emotional triggers, but how we handle this situation—as practice itself—is very important. These conflicts are an opportunity to expose and become intimate with our self-clinging habit patterns. We expect that each of us take it upon ourselves to develop and enhance our communication skills. When we face conflicts, they allow us to open to a more compassionate and freer way of being.
There are many resources available in the larger community to learn these essential communication skills—through workshops or psychotherapy, for example. In conjunction with this, we have designed a set of “Guiding Principles for Resolving Conflict” and a “Continuum of Help” to facilitate harmony and well being in the community. These are described in the following paper.
An ancient
master, Xuedou, once asked the assembly, “How
can practitioners live and die together?”
We live in harmony as we hold on and let go, moment to moment, together. How can we grow old together, with all our differences and points of view, and die together in peace? Any spiritual community has to address the conflicts that naturally arise between people. This is the very special treasure of Sangha.
I take Refuge in
Sangha.
May all living beings
support harmony in the community,
Free from all
hindrance.
Ten Momentous Prohibitory
Precepts
1. I take up the way of not killing
2. I take up the way of not taking that which is not given
3. I take up the way of not misusing sexuality
4. I take up the way of not speaking falsely
5. I take up the way of not giving or taking intoxicants.
6. I take up the way of not speaking ill of others
7. I take up the way of not praising myself at the
expense of others
8. I take up the way of not attaching to anything even the truth
9. I take up the way of not becoming angry
10. I take up the Way of Not Disparaging the great truth of the Triple
Treasure
The following are guiding principles for approaching and resolving conflict within our Sangha at Clouds in Water Zen Center. We seek to:
· Take responsibility for our vulnerabilities and emotional triggers in relationships with others.
· Investigate our own responsibility in the conflict before speaking with another.
· Practice non-stubbornness by holding an open heart, a willingness to understand, and a desire to reconcile differences.
· Have face-to-face resolution of the conflict with the other person or people involved.
· Use anger in a constructive and respectful way, allowing it to teach and transform us for the better, avoiding the “poison” of envy and comparing ourselves to others.
· Separate the behavior from the person, seeing the situation as an opportunity to liberate.
· Refrain from listening to disparaging stories about other members of the Sangha.
· Refrain from spreading news or gossip about others in the community.
· Refrain from speaking of the faults of others, following the precepts of “not speaking ill of others” and “not disorganizing the Way.”
When you are witness to actions not in
keeping with Guiding Principles for Resolving Conflict, you can:
· Bring it up in the moment and give honest and compassionate feedback to those involved,
· Bring up your discomfort and give direct feedback to those involved at a later time, or,
· Talk with Dosho Port-sensei about your concern.
The purpose of conflict resolution is to practice great wisdom and compassion. This usually requires mutual understanding, forgiveness, problem solving, and learning from the situation in order to be more effective in the future. With this effort, resolving conflicts becomes practice itself.
This process involves either personal reflection or talking to one friend, if needed, to sort out the situation you face. The Sangha-friend acts as a “sounding board” to help reflect and name what has fueled the disagreement. After talking with a friend, approach the other person—the one you are having difficulty with—to resolve the misunderstanding.
Before
speaking with another member of the Sangha:
1. Pause and reflect on your responsibility in the conflict.
· Investigate to find the root or emotional trigger behind your reaction, i.e. look at your own mental formations.
· Review the sequence of events that have led to the conflict in the relationship, looking to uncover your blind spots or selective memory.
· Consider the differences in perception that may exist over the same sequence of events and interactions.
2.
Discern what you
need to say to the other person.
· Identify the root issues, what is most important to communicate.
· Make notes on what you need to say if the conflict is particularly heated.
3.
Clarify what you need
in order to resolve the conflict, let go, and move on.
· Seek support from a friend in the Sangha, if needed, to go through the above steps.
· The Sangha-friend can help remind the person in conflict to avoid “gossip” by saying, “I’m your one person.”
When speaking directly with the other person
or group:
1. Take full responsibility for your part in the misunderstanding, admitting your actions and their effect on the other person.
2. With heart and mind, apologize to the other person or group, without regard for whether they apologize in turn.
3. Speak simply about your feelings and needs.
4. Listen generously to the other person’s feelings and needs.
5. Agree on a new course of action, if needed.
6. Change your own behavior for the better going forward.
Guidelines for the Sangha-friend to help with a conflict:
1. Be a sounding board to the person in conflict with another member of the community.
· Acknowledge the strong emotions you hear.
· Help the person come to clarity about their responsibility in the conflict, and what they need to say or do with the other person.
· After examining the conflict, ask them “What are you going to do?” and move the discussion toward positive action.
2.
Avoid gossip with other members of the Sangha.
If you find yourself in a situation that turns to
gossip, such as speaking ill of others, reporting things that are uncertain, or
mean-spirited talk, perhaps you could:
· Refrain from participating in the conversation.
· Identify the part of the conversation that seems like gossip. Then, you could say, with a nonjudging tone of voice and neutral body language, “I’m uncomfortable talking about this person when they are not here.”
· If the gossip continues, take personal responsibility and leave.
· If necessary, utilize the continuum of help if your comments create a conflict with the people involved.
3. Hold your personal boundaries intact.
Bear witness by acknowledging the dukkha (suffering or dis-ease) of the situation and holding it in a compassionate heart. Perhaps meditate for the people involved or place a Cares and Concerns card on the altar in Compassion Hall.
Level two: Resolving
conflict through mediation
Utilizing the assistance of a skilled third party, this process is for situations that have not been resolved through other measures. Mediation is not appropriate for issues involving an alleged ethics violation. These situations should be referred directly to the Grievance Committee. The goal of mediation is to seek a resolution that is accepted by both parties involved in the disagreement.
To initiate meditation, first make a
request to Dosho Port-sensei. If deemed
appropriate, Clouds in Water Zen Center will retain an outside, paid mediator
to meet with the parties and help them work toward resolution of the
conflict.
If mediation does not settle the conflict:
The members are encouraged to schedule a meeting with Dosho Port-sensei to discuss the implications individually and for the Sangha.
Therefore, just like
any treasure appearing in my house
Without any effort on my part to obtain it
I should be happy to have a difficult person
For this difficult person assists me in my
conduct of awakening.
Shantideva, from Buddhadharma
A FORMAL ETHICS GRIEVANCE is reserved for complaints of a moral, ethical, or criminal allegation against individuals in the Sangha, particularly those in positions of special trust--teachers, priests, directors and temple officers. All teachers and priests at Clouds in Water Zen Center have committed to practice right conduct in their relationships; to refrain from becoming sexually involved with students; and to maintain confidentiality about all personal matters. Exploiting relationships, harming others, or abusing influence breaches this trust, especially when such misconduct occurs under the pretense of teaching methods or Zen practice.
Examples of misconduct include, but are not limited to: physical violence, misappropriation of community funds, breach of confidences, sexual relations between a teacher and student, and discriminatory or preferential treatment of others based on race, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, marital status, age, disability, income, ethnicity or national origin. Please refer to the Ethical Guidelines and Grievances Policy for more details on ethical violations.
Each member of the Clouds in Water Zen Center Sangha is a caretaker of the community’s well being. Each of us has the individual responsibility to take action to protect the Sangha if we become aware of ethical misconduct. It is important we, as members, express our concerns appropriately rather than remaining silent.
Grievances may be made orally or in writing. If you wish to file a grievance regarding a breach of ethical guidelines, you should report it directly to the Guiding Teacher or any member of the Clouds in Water Zen Center Board of Directors. (Board members are indicated in the membership directory by an asterisk next to their name.) The person who receives the grievance will promptly report it to the full Grievance Committee of the Board of Directors.
Should a conflict arise with a Zen teacher, the student is encouraged schedule a meeting and talk directly with their teacher about the concerns. This process is not appropriate for issues involving an alleged ethics violation, which should be referred directly to the Grievance Committee. If needed, a student can get help from a Sangha-friend to clarify and sort out the issues beforehand.
If the conflict is not resolved, the student is encouraged to meet with the Training Council at Clouds in Water Zen Center to discuss the difficulties. Names of individuals who are on the Training Council are available from the Clouds in Water office. At that point, the Training Council may:
· Counsel the student and encourage them to return to the teacher involved,
· Meet separately with the teacher involved to discuss the conflict, or,
· Suggest a joint meeting with the teacher, student, and a member of the Training Council.