The Dewdrop Digest

The Dewdrop Digest
Connecting Children, Youth and Sangha
Clouds in Water Zen Center
Sunday, February 1, 2004

HOME PRACTICE: TAKING RESPONSIBLIITY FOR OUR FEELINGS
Today ages K+ are learning that the roots of our feelings are inside us, and are not directly caused by someone else or an external situation. To teach this idea, first of all we need to practice it ourselves and model it overtly for our children. We can also discuss it, tell stories, and incorporate it into our day-to-day awareness, for instance, by "catching" our children owning their feelings.

We also need to help children learn to manage the feelings they've identified and taken responsibility for. Here are some brief suggestions: Assure children that all feelings are OK, and that they will get all the help they need with their big feelings. Invite children to cradle their feelings like a newborn babe. Go to your breathing space and breathe out (or with) your feelings. Express emotions: art, music, movement, speaking to a trusted friend.

Let us launch this two-week period of home practice by having a formal family discussion on this topic. Then, as a family, choose ways to practice at home. The idea for the discussion suggestions, below, come from "The Giraffe Classroom", a Nonviolent Communication (NVC) book by Nancy Sokol Green (available, along with other great NVC books, at www.cnvc.org).

Start with this story: "Charlie does not like and never has liked basketball. However, he tries out for the school team because his father and mother want him to. His father wants him to make the team because he never was chosen to play as a child, and his mother thinks it will be good because she has been worried that Charlie is playing by himself too much. It turns out that the coach does not choose Charlie to be on the team. Charlie is elated since he never wanted to play anyway. His father is angry because he remembers how he was never chosen for the team as a child, and the mother is disappointed because now she will still be concerned that Charlie is spending too much time alone."

Suggest that these different feelings did not occur solely because the coach did not chose Charlie to be on the team, but rather, because of what each person was already hoping and wanting (what was ALIVE inside each of them). Their feelings were affected (not caused) by the action of the coach not choosing Charlie for the team. The root of their feelings is what's ALIVE in them. Therefore, ask if you can all agree the coach was not responsible for how each of the others were feeling. Find out the reasons for their answers. Continue the discussion by asking if they believe that the father and mother, however, might blame the coach - especially if they were not aware that what they might be wanting is the actual root of their feelings about Charlie not being chosen.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Model
We are using NVC as an approach to Heart-to-Heart Listening and Speaking (a.k.a., Right Speech). NVC is about restoring and maintaining the natural flow of compassion within ourselves and between ourselves and all beings. Here is an overview of the four steps (adapted from Doro Kiley) to expressing feelings and needs in NVC. The same four steps can be re-worded to offer empathy to another person.

1. Observation (free of judgment, labels, diagnosis, opinions, etc.) "When I see/hear/notice?"

2. Feeling (free of thoughts) "?I feel?"
Examples of feelings when needs ARE met: Affectionate, Confident, Engaged, Inspired, Excited, Exhilarated, Grateful, Hopeful, Joyful, Peaceful, Refreshed, Satisfied
Examples of feelings when needs are NOT met: Annoyed, Angry, Embarrassed, Disconnected, Tense, Fatigued, Vulnerable, Afraid, Sad

3. Need (universal; without reference to any specific person, time, activity) "?because I am needing?"
Examples of universal needs: Beauty, Autonomy/Choice, Empathy, Community, Gratitude, Honesty, Love, Contribution, Meaning, Safety, Respect, Mutuality/Equality, Power/Influence, Play, Support, Unity

Request (clear, positive, present, active request -- not a demand -- that would enrich life) "Would you be willing to??"

4. Example of all 4 steps: "When I see you read the newspaper while I'm talking, I feel frustrated because I'm needing to be heard. Would you be willing to close the newspaper for 5 minutes and hear my idea?

For a more sensitive situation, rather than requesting an action that might meet your needs, it's good to start with a "connecting request", e.g., "Would you be willing to tell me how you're feeling right now, having heard that?" After both people feel understood, then move onto requests for meeting needs.

TWO KEY POINTS to practicing NVC: (1) Compassionate connection is the primary aim in NVC (not "being right" or getting ones way). (2) We are not willing to have our needs met at the expense of someone else's needs.

I hope that this overview encourages you to raise some NVC consciousness in your home life. Please visit cnvc.org for books that will deepen your understanding of NVC or contact me (Katharine) for info on local resources and online resources..

Question, suggestion, problem? Contact Children's and Youth Practice Coordinator Katharine Krueger here at x10 or contact info@cloudsinwater.org for Katharine's email address.


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