The Dewdrop Digest

Clouds in Water Zen Center
The Dewdrop Digest
Connecting Children, Youth and Sangha
Sunday, February 29, 2004

IN CLASS TODAY: Students from kindergarten on up will get more practice identifying their feelings and the needs that underlie them. And they will pair up to think of situations when the free expression of feelings and wants could be helpful in class and at home.

This is all part of our continued work with Nonviolent Communication, our window into the practice of Heart-to-heart Listening and Speaking (Right Speech).

HOME PRACTICE:
(1) Encourage the free expression of feelings and needs in your home.
(2) Improve your emotional literacy. Start by studying the ideas below.
(3) Model out loud when you identify your own feelings and needs.
(4) Guess your children's feelings and needs, both in times of joy and times of difficulty: "Are you feeling frustrated because you need more choice in the books that you read?" "Are you feeling delighted because you enjoy being recognized for your accomplishments?" "Are you feeling really disappointed and sad because you really want to some understanding about this?"

FEELINGS, NEEDS AND THE SECOND NOBLE TRUTH
NVC helps us to unblock the natural flow of compassion within ourselves and with others. We learn to fully and honestly express ourselves without blame or judgment. And we learn to listen empathetically without taking blame or judgment personally - even when others speak critically.

AND the NVC model is an incredible opportunity for fruitful self-reflection. As one strives to speak and listen from the heart, one is invited to explore, openly and honestly, what's really going on inside, without judging it. This is a powerful way to practice the Second Noble Truth: To note our joy and our suffering, and to see how they arise due to causes within us. In brief, to take responsibility.

In NVC, we begin this by identifying and attending to our feelings and needs. Behind every feeling is a need that is met or unmet. Or a value that has been honored or not. Or a hope or a dream that has been realized or not.

Before delving deeper into feelings and needs, let's step back for a moment to see how feelings and needs fit into the NVC model of compassionate communication:
1) OBSERVATIONS free of evaluations;
2) FEELINGS straight from the heart;
3) NEEDS, values and dreams; and
4) REQUESTS said with clarity and without demand energy

FEELINGS
By expressing feelings - by disclosing our humanity, by making ourselves vulnerable - we release the heart-to-heart giving-and-receiving that is natural to all beings. Before expressing, we identify (and perhaps attend to) our feelings. In NVC, we develop our emotional literacy by noting and expressing our authentic feelings, not our thoughts, assumptions, evaluations of or blame for those feelings.

Most of us are often stymied when wanting to name our feelings. We are acculturated to confuse feelings with thoughts, judgments, perceptions and interpretations. Many of us aim to take responsibility by using "I statements," but often "I" statements do not own emotions but rather implicitly blame - for instance, "I feel abandoned". Instead, try: "I feel sad and scared because I am needing connection and intimacy - and I am telling myself that you are distancing yourself from me." Note that the phrase "I'm telling myself" is a way to identify a thought as opposed to a supposed feeling or an alleged fact.

NEEDS
Needs are the cause of our feelings. Outside factors - situations, the actions of others - may stimulate our feelings but do not cause them. Blame, judgments, criticism, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all life-alienating expressions of our own needs and values. Life-alienating because they serve to block intimacy with ourselves and others. When we directly connect our feelings to our needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately. AND, we are realizing the fruits of practicing the Second Noble Truth.

Often, when we aim express a need, we state it as strategy to met our need - i.e., a picture of what we imagine will get our needs met. We say, "I need you to pay attention to me" - but the authentic need - the life-serving, universal need, is the need to be valued and understood. Getting attention from a particular person would be a strategy to meet that need. Needs are not about a specific object or person, they are about what's alive in us. Identifying them is a process of connecting with ourselves and others more deeply.

RETURNING TO PEACE BY TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
When we practice the Second Noble Truth (by noting, examining, and taking responsibility for our feelings and needs), we see all the more clearly that peace is possible, that healing is possible, even in the most difficult situations, because we are the cause of our own suffering. Because we are the cause, we are the answer! Attending to and letting go of afflictive feelings - as well as life-alienating thoughts and actions - leads us back to our natural state of peace and joy.

PRACTICING THE SECOND TRUTH WITH CHILDREN
Children learn by imitation. They observe what we do, what we feel, and what we strive for. Please read over the Home Practice section on page 1 and really make it happen. And let us know how it goes! Contact cp@cloudsinwater.org with stories, feedback, questions, concerns, ideas, what's working and what isn't.


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