Practicing as a Parent and Connecting with the Support We Receive
I had traumatic experiences last fall. I had no idea and it took me a few months to realize it. I did not have an accident or a dramatic event. The trauma was from a series of experiences that happened around my family’s hospitalization. Only when my newly acquainted therapist asked me whether I had ever had a traumatic experience, did I slowly come to realize it.
At Clouds in Water Zen Center, among the priests, priests-in-training, and sangha members who facilitate groups, many of us are learning how to guide meditation, discussions, and classes in a trauma sensitive way. The first thing we learned in Trauma Sensitive Mindfulness class was that people who have experienced trauma are everywhere and that it’s important to always assume that people with trauma are present in a group and provide trauma sensitive options for them. Now that I, too, have had traumatic experiences, the rest of the lessons have become very helpful.
For example, I learned that some of the sensations we experience during meditation or zazen can be connected to trauma, and in that case, it may be good to take our focus off of them, especially if we start to have negative emotional and/or body sensations. I generally try to recognize my feelings and take care of them during my zazen and I was doing so during a 3-day Sesshin (a Zen retreat) early this year in Ryumonji. I noticed that there is a different kind of sadness residing in my chest area, so I decided to pay attention to it. But, as soon as I got curious, I felt a deep fear rise up and I started to freeze inside my body. Oh no! I quickly stopped paying attention to this sadness, looked out the window and found a star in the dark sky. I gently gazed at it and then I gazed at the floor for a while. During this time I continued to breathe well. I repeated this as needed until I felt regulated. Until I felt safe.
Looking at two different locations repeatedly is one of the techniques to protect yourself from re-experiencing trauma in your meditation. Some of us do fine being in touch with trauma-related feelings and sensations in meditation, while some of us don’t. It’s totally okay if you don’t. Other things you can do in such a case are to change your posture, open your eyes if you have them closed or vice versa, take a break from meditation, take a walk, do a stretch, or meditate for shorter durations, etc. For me, I continued to participate in the sitting meditation for the rest of the retreat with more formatted meditation such as Loving-Kindness meditation, a meditation to appreciate the four elements (earth, water, air, and fire), and a meditation to appreciate body parts and organs. Teacher Thich Nhat Hanh from Plum Village recommended taking at least five breaths for each focus you choose. How you feel when you touch your trauma is different from person to person. It is highly recommended to see a professional whose focus is trauma to help you work with it. Clouds in Water priests and teachers are trained only to be sensitive to trauma and not to treat trauma. Psychology Today is a good website to find a therapist.
My whole experience of going through trauma as a parent backs up the statistics in recent years. Data show that today 70% of young people including young adults have mental health challenges. If you are one of these people or a parent of such a person, you are not alone. It is the challenge we as a society face in the midst of an ongoing pandemic. When I witness a child or a parent expressing difficult emotions in public, I quietly send my warm thoughts towards them, saying, “I know, it’s difficult. You are not alone in this. May you be happy. May you feel supported.” One of my Dharma siblings recently told me that every time we do a one-to-one practice meeting with our teacher, Sosan, what she learns is that she just needs to be kinder to herself. I very much resonate with her experiences and that is even more true as a person who is taking care of family members and myself with trauma and mental health challenges.
One of the most helpful pieces of advice I received is to touch my face with my hands and rock myself gently, if I wish, and say out loud kind and compassionate words towards myself. I say something like, “I am a wonderful, strong, and compassionate mother. I have a heart of gold.” They are the words I received from the Sangha, the practice community. If it was before I started my loving-kindness meditation practice, I probably would not have been able to wholeheartedly receive those words and trust them.
The loving-kindness meditation practice has given me strength to trust in my goodness. Even though I do it on and off and not as continuously as I’d like, it is still powerful. When I do this caring action of holding myself with kindness and saying those nourishing words, I feel that I’ve taken care of myself. Of course, the care is not by me only, as each moment contains so much more support that I am receiving outside of me, including the sangha, the universe, my ancestors, all beings, etc. At the same time, I feel that it is a radical recognition of my Bodhisattva nature. I’m full of errors every day, especially with my family. And I do have a bodhisattva in me. Of course, not just me, but everyone does. You, too. By recognizing our Buddha nature, trusting it, and cultivating it, we start to see bodhisattva nature in others as well.
The most challenging thing for me with my family right now is to be curious in the moment. In Buddhism, we talk about this often. We don’t need to know what to do or to figure out the solution to our problem. Just accept what it is and respond to the moment. But, how?
I have started to notice my habit of preaching to my family my understanding of what is going on in the family. I wonder if this is a kind of “Zen sickness”? I feel that several years of practice have helped me see things more clearly than my family members, and that might be true. But, is it helpful for my family? With my therapist’s help, I am trying to take a different approach. I try to channel my energy more to paying attention to my feelings and taking care of them first. This caring helps me not to blame myself consciously or unconsciously. It’s so important because if I blame myself, I blame others as well. This small step also helps me to have more capacity to be kind and caring for my family and helps me to realize that this person in front of me has been going through a lot of difficulties. Then, I can be curious and listen to them more carefully without the energy of wanting to tell them what I notice, but with the energy of wanting to understand them more.
The truth is I actually don’t know. This way of conversation with kindness and curiosity takes time and we need to be patient. But, at the same time, this allows for more discoveries and understanding of each other, which brings joy. When we feel joy, we can bring enthusiasm to our practice. This is what I learned from Flying Fish this summer about loving patience. I wish to cultivate this kind of loving patience that brings joy and enthusiasm. She also taught us during the June sesshin that we can trust ourselves and ask, “Is it true?” What a wonderful question!
Lastly, I would like to add an encouraging teaching that helps me. We are always supported and we are not doing anything alone. I hope to cultivate the connection with the earth, the moon, and the Universe. I hope to remember that we are always supported by invisible bodhisattvas, blood and spiritual ancestors, and visible countless beings.
by Rev. Shozoku Nomura, priest in training at Clouds in Water
